Amazing is a word that gets bandied about alot, and many things are often considered it. Sadly not this blog.

A (largely failed) experiment by three guys has resulted in around 20 odd posts of high-brow stupidity, previously classed as "works of literary masterpieces"...

Whether they were Rants, Creative stories or poorly hidden attacks on organised religion, each post came from the heart. Except for Matts....He didnt post anything coz he was a lazy fuck, but i digress..

Blogging was, essentialy , just a phase in every day life, just like perms and homosexuality were for a time...As depicted in this photo...





Now the honeymoon is over, bags need to be unpacked, several toasters need to be exchanged for stuff thats slightly less crap and you have to start writing apologies to the people who weren't invited to the wedding. What am i on about?- Blogging is dead. Long live ....yeah..ya'know..

The three diseased minds that once slaved away for at least 2 hours a week to bring you entertainment have moved on.

Ricky has gotten married ( to a woman no less) and so saves all of his rants for her. I believe "cunts" and "fuck religion" had to be censored from his vows at the last moment.




Matty has found love (self love mainly) and continues to not do a lot of things, much in the same way he continously forgot to post anything.....




Jimmy has.....yeah, jimmys not done a lot......infact the words "fuck" and "all" come to mind. Oh yeah he turned twenty, making him the youngest out of the three (by 10 years...)





But they still stay in contact with each other, partly because of the close bonds formed, partly because the all live fairly close to one another it would be difficult to not see each other...

And so, partly in celebration of this blog, partly because of boredom...but mainly of the latter, i leave you with "BBB- THE LATTER YEARS"....(Not to be confused with the ladder years...yet another stupid phase..)




'Nuff said..

Woah. The blog. Its been awhile since Ive posted. and Im sure youve all been asking yourself the same question, Where have you been Bango?

 

Oh, you know, around. Been working as a croupier now for almost 6months. About to start training for Blackjack and Pontoon next week. Semi-excited, but not jumping outta my skin. Have dealt roulette since I started, and from all reports Im lucky to have recieved it as my first game up front, as its the most exciting game to deal, and one that carries with it the full gambit of a croupiers skills, from chipping through to mathematical skills. Knowing roulette the way I do should make learning BJ a breeze Ive been told. Starting Tuesday next week, Ill know for sure.

 

Its a great job, working as a Croupier, as far as Im concerned. I worked in retail for the better part of 14 years, spending everyday having to talk people into buying things, coercing them outta their hard-earned money, when as a croupier all I need to do is smile, and they throw that same hard-earned money across the table with eagerness unheard of.

 

I tell you this much, if your studying human psychology in any form, head to your nearest casino and revel in every facet of human behaviour. From happiness through to greed, its all there on offer. Its hard sometimes, watching people lose more money in one spin of the wheel than I earn in a fortnight, but you gotta push those feelings of pity deep down, and just do your job. Some might say its an illness, gambling, but Im not so sure. No-ones forcing these people to do it, theres no arm twisting, theres no media advertising reminding people that the tables are open 24/7. They come willingly, spend willingly. The way I see it, people simply forget to remember what they lost last time they did it, and so they do it again. Like getting drunk and vomiting, you swear youll never do it again, but come next weekend, youve got a glass in your hand and a smile on your face. We forget to remember.

 

And its their choice. Who am I to stop them.

 

Place your bets. No more bets.

 

Its good money though, good hours (8 hour shift, 8 hours pay, 1.5 hours break included in your 8 hour shift.), Saturday and Sunday at penalty rates, and overtime in abundance. And its some of the easiest work youll ever do, though Ive managed to damage a nerve/muscle in my neck/shoulder that fucking hurts like hell at times. It seems the only people who complain about the job havent worked anywhere else. Never had a real job.

 

This post feels a little "down", but it isnt meant to be that way. If any feelings of melancholy linger, I promise that my next post will be witty and humourous, with many references to gay people and downs syndrome sufferers. Or gay downs syndrome sufferers.

 

Also, Ive noticed the tag board has been removed due to those CUNTY bots that Bravenet is unable to stop spamming our shit. Now theyve started infesting the comments section to. Apparently they have great interest in our site, theyve book marked it and would now like us to look at some porn. Sweet. Anyhoo, feel free to drop your comments in their along with the spam. I'll get around to reading them after looking at the porn.

 

Adios

 

 

 

 

 

Some people have this theory that we are just three dickheads that got together to write a blog...

And thats true...

Here is an early photo taken of us, as we sit down to discuss the blog, and play a little 'go fish'. Also there is the fourth member 'Bungo'....Although shortly after this he died of a combination of sunstroke, snakebite and a self inflicted axe wound....




The reason why we havent posted for sometime is down to the fact that we are all busy doing other things at the moment, i am working on my short film, ricky is busy working as a croupier/ go-go dancer and Matty is currently on a mission to regain his lost testacles.... as well as being in a "Dry well of ideas" mood....

SO, expect a post in the future. Dont know when, dont know what, don't know by whom... But there will be a post... Bingo, Bango Bongo will never die....it will just slowly rot and decay...... Heres to that being a slow process!!

Welcome to Bingobangobongo.... its a blog....

But not just ANY blog... oh no no..... well ok, it is, but theres more than one blogger...

Yes its three times as retarded...i mean funny..

These reta...er....Bloggers in question are...

Richard Schuit, formerly of “Continuity”, and "From Fat to Fit" is one of our writers...

Slowly but surely, Rick learned to write and read. By the Age of Seven…..teen, he learned how to write his own name. RA-CHAD-SHOE-IT…

He now spends most of his time whining and yelling obscenities at various passers by.

Matthew Szabo has written for “The Chronicles of Ostrobogulous”, and ...no...thats it..

He combined with his, frankly more talented brother to write the shamefully underlooked and underappreciated masterpiece that was “Uzbekistan Idol”, a humourous look at the fictional Idol show in Uzbekistan…..funnily enough..

Matthew studied to become a nurse at University, and became one. Although he did do this by sleeping with a number of head teachers in order to pass.

And what of the other one?

James Szabo , more known for his magnificent “The BFC blog”,"Horsing Around" and the great “Uzbekistan Idol” has been coerced into writing for this blog. (He also wrote this).

Amazed by his own talent, and magnificent looks, James manages to live a normal life.


Actually, if you tally them up, between us we have won 4 JOTW awards.... not a bad thing..

And now for your reading pleasure, you can find these magnificent bloggers  all in the one place, Bingo Bango Bongo….the blog…… A JOTW winner... we dont like to talk about that much...

Did we mention JOTW?

Well a few more weeks have gone by without those two retards writing so much of a single blog…

 

Now, im not one to point a finger, even if they are lazy, good for nothing hobos, but unable to come up with a satisfactory answer as to why they hadn’t been posting, I made up a few possible explanations for myself…

 

1. Just Been Busy (Nah…too simple)
2. Have been arrested for treason (Not unlikely, but I would have heard something..)
3. Gone Overseas to ensure they can marry (….again, not Unlikely…)
4. There free time was taken up with repeated showings of Brokeback Mountain
5. They have become Half Human, Half Cyborg creatures who police the city…Robo-stooge
6. Due to incredibly slow internet speeds they are still waiting for bravenet to load..
7. They cant think of any ideas..

 

Woah… hoed up! That’s the one, plus throw in a little bit of 1 and 4, and you’ve got yourself a plausible excuse…

 

Of course, I am not one to talk, but then again I was doing other projects (see Horsing Around)…. Apparently Rick was going to post once, but he ‘lost track of time’…still waiting ricko…

 

Im afraid that until these two slack-jawed idiots actually come up with an idea, you wont be seeing a lot of posts on Bingo Bango Bongo…

 

But there is something you can do, you can help these two by pledging your appeals to get the lazy ass schleps to post by leaving comments (abusive does work) on the tagboard. (Comments about ringtones, ad software and cookies are not appreciated..)

 

And if that doesn’t work I’ll just start posting there social security and bank details….

'nuff said

A friend of mine said hi to me today. Anywho on to the entry.

Sorry. Really Sorry…..

That’s 2 sorrys…you lucky devils…

I haven’t posted for nearly 2 months…….

But bugger the apology, coz you aint getting one..its not like I get paid to do this…..

An embarrassing thing happened to me the other day. It was around 8:30 pm and I was in the toilet having “bowel movements”. As you do…

And I heard my sister and her two sons (who were visiting) arrive at the back gates. I decided to get out of the toilet so I could meet them. Now, even though the glass is supposedly ‘frosted’, you can still quite clearly make out what’s happening on the other side. A fact I only found out when I heard the cry of “Nice ARSE james!” and the laughter that followed.

I joined in on the joke, finding it quite humorous, but nonetheless still embarrassing….

Now, the moral of the story is “With frosted glass, you still see your arse…”

 

But wait…theres more…..

 

Recently ( I say recent…) I was awarded for the umpteenth time “Journal of Week” for Horsing Around the House. That’s the first time I’ve ever gotten an award for an idea that that was completely retarded… I would like to say a great big thankyou to Matthew and Richard for helping me and providing support and encouragement along the way, but they didn’t. They are older than me, and more desperate but thanking them might diminish my own personal glory, so sod them…

Speaking of Horsing Around (and reality tv shows), my Bro and I are planning for the return of Uz idol. This will come as a great surprise for the 4 readers we managed to gather (then lose) along the way.Ho hum...

Hmmm….anything else…….(it has been 2 months you know)…

Oh yeah, a little photoshop…Basically these are the photos that get left out for reasons like spacing, timing and the fact that theres no real need for them…. Thankgod i have a reason to show them now....

 

Matthew Szabo is…. the Fonz..

If you can find them…perhaps you can hire….the BBB team.

Ten times better than Basic instinct 2: Havana nights or whatever its called

A running gag between us three, basically rick is a bohemoth.. …big dude...

An initial concept design for the BBB logo, someone thought better of it..

My alter ego , the slightly senile Reverend Leroy Fitzpeters and his Tv show Fitz of Love..

 And so ends my two month hiatus....

 

Nuff Said, see you in 2 months..

On this day, 29 years ago a legend was born. A man who would transform the face of mankind as we know it. A hybrid between man and ape. The missing link

 

“Rick was born with 70% more body hair than normal babies…”

 

His family knew from an early age he would be something of a messiah for lost souls and those in need. In frank terms, Richard E Schuit was to be the antichrist. A symbol for all heathens and non believers in religion. A rock to all those who needed support. Followers would lovingly refer to him as “ the cranky ape”.

 

“Little Rick with Proud Parents, Roberto and Rochelle Schuit.”

 

From the age of 17 Rick showed exceptional abilities with his hands, impressing his mother by learning to drink with a sippy cup and communicate with a series of grunts and hand gestures.

 

“Nap Time for Baby Rick-Rick was an important part of the day”

 

Naturally, the hardware business beckoned him as he began a long career in retail in various hardware stores.

 

Known for his unbreakable patience and his extraordinary customer relations skills, Rick was soon given the job as third in charge of counting the nails. Although a tragic workplace accident in which he hammered a nail through his own penis forced him to retire early.

 

“Rick’s customer relations motto is enforced with his trusty complaint handling device, the automatic xytronic eliminator, or A.X.E for short….”

 

This put a halt to Richards’s long time dream of becoming second in charge of counting nails. Down, but not out, he embarked upon his second dream by gaining entry into a croupier school.

 

With a long history of alcoholism and gambling, he soon excelled at his new profession. Receiving an award for “most money lost in a single week” , he now hopes to be able to spin the roulette ball with minimal casualties.

 

 

“The Pitt inspector used to turn a blind eye to rick’s unorthodox roulette technique, but after one careless night, the inspector now turns a blind eye to everything…”

Big man, from the BBB team…happy birthday champ.

 

You’re a true legend and friend

 

Matt and Jimmy.

After 5 weeks of training I will graduate today from the Burswood Croupier Training School. And let me tell you, Im fucking excited!

 

We have a photo and orientation session today, and later this evening my classmates and I will get extremely drunk.

 

Extremely.

 

Tune in tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever Im sober again for a semi-full 5 week rundown of my life for the last 5 weeks.

South Africa, jewel of the African nation. But what do we know about it?

I’m sure that many people view it as a third world place full of Racist White people who ride African slaves like horses…

That’s Just Capetown….

The rest of South Africa is quite normal, and so, being the kind and considerate fellow I am, I have comprised a small guide for all you budding travelers out there….

 

No one can accuse South Africa of being racist about its cultural diversity ( i love the fact that they broke up Blacks and Coloreds...)….

Introduction:

 

Welcome to South Africa, or ‘Sarf Efrika’ as the natives call it. Home of apartheids, jungle bunnies and Nelson Mandela, South Africa is a very diverse place.

 

Just south of Africa and just north west of Australia, South Africa is situauted at the ars…uh….Tail end of the African nation.

 

Why Visit South Africa, well apart from the cheap labour, you can also eat our famous dish “Fried Springbok”, and also watch our great Rugby team, the Springboks. Or you could just go to our famous national parks and view our majestic springboks. We’re Springbok mad!!!

 

Best Places to visit….

 

Go to the Free State. Namely, it’s capital, Bloemfontein. Bloemfontein is the hippest part of South Africa, from it’s well-established institutional, educational and administrative infrastructure right to the Supreme Court of Appeal, Bloemfontein has everything a young traveler would want.

 

While your there you could go on the Maluti Route, which follows the scenic Highlands of the Free State and over the border (you will need a passport or you will be shot by Border Security and promptly taken to the Free Hospital. (Which, unlike the name suggests is highly expensive).

 

Another Highlight is ofcourse the N6 route, which is your exit out of The Free State. What more could you want??

 

Believe it or not, this is actually the President of South Africa Thabo Mbeki

Worst Places to visit….

 

Avoid the Makapansgat Valley, it may sound interesting, after all it was here that Professor Raymond Dart announced the discovery of the first ape-man back in 1925. One look at the population of the valley, and you can see that they obviously haven’t evolved much since those ape-men days. To simply say they are the stupidest ugliest people on the planet is an understatement. If you want to hold on to your money, and your lunch, avoid like the plague.

Best times to visit

 

Summer. South Africa is known for having relatively hot summers ad dry winters. Its quite a shit climate really, no wonder why everyone there are always fighting, its probably down to heat stroke.

 

Best places to go for food

 

If fried Springbok, and Lamb testacles aren’t your bag, then try South Africa’s answer to Mcdonalds, Antelope Burgers.

 

Pay no attention to the name, they don’t actually have antelope meat there. No its far to expensive, instead the import their meat from Indonsesia. (A little bit of Meow Meow, Woof Woof, if you know what I mean)….. Most of the burgers on offer are actually quite nice, but steer clear of “The Malalabok Special” unless you enjoy eating rhinoceros buttocks deep fried in old chip fat.

 

Things to do…

Arts and Crafts, Horse back rides, Rhino museums (minus rear ends) and the legendary domba dance, are all activities which you should avoid, as they are pants wettingly boring. Best thing to do is, spend a day in your hotel perfecting your “Sarf Efrican accent” and then go out and yell obsenities at random members of the public.

 

Crime

Crime is Huge in South Africa, you cant put your kid down for five minutes without it getting stolen, let alone your wallet. The South African Tourst board advises visitors to place all small valubles in a plastic bag, and place inside your rectum to safeguard against property loss. This may or may not have indirectly affected tourism numbers in South Africa, so the board is coming up with a revised warning. Updates will follow as soon as possible.

 

Also if you are African American, Aboriginal or even look the slightest bit dark, avoid the rural regions of South Africa. Apparently the news of the apartheid hasn’t yet reached there yet….

 

Key Terms

 

BLICK – Any one who is “Coloured”, this being Africna American, Indian, aboriginal, muslim, etc

SNOEK LADY – A lady who sells snoek

SNOEK- Is a fish, why don’t they call it fish, coz there south African…

HONK – Not the sound of horn, it means a bad smell…

ROBOT – You reckon it would be “one of those magical mechanical men” but no, it’s the traffic lights……god there stupid..

 

How these terms help.

Well they don’t, not unless you are looking to eat some really bad smelling, black fish and you are telling the lady who sells it to come to your house which is near the traffic lights.

 

How to get there

South Africa offers the worlds first trans- sea Hover Craft. All you need is a small fare of $50 rand, and a case of Kryptonite to fuel it, you idiots……By a Boat or a plane, how do you think you get there….

 

Music

Justin Timberlake is bi in South Africa….sorry that should read Big……I’m not trying to say anything about Timberlake…..noooo….

 

I’d suggest you take an Ipod.

Deputy President Jacob Zuma and Justin Timberlake belt out the South African National Anthem.

 

Films

Justin Timberlake stars in the new Big Budget South African version of Brokeback mountain called Brokeblack Valley….

 

I’d Suggest you take a Video Ipod.

 

Televsion

Thankfully Justin Timberlake is yet to make the move to the small screen. Here you can watch south African versions of all your favourite shows including Good Times, the Nanny and The apprentice (Where all the contestants are black, and the catchphrase is “Your blick…….your fired you dirt jungle bunny!!!)

 

On second thoughts……

 

Don’t go visit South Africa, come to Australia instead. We’re only half as racist as South Africa…..

(Bingo Bango Bongo would like to remind people that this guide should not be taken literally, and if done so could result in a lengthy prison sentence….for me…. Also, we like to remind you that yelling obscenities at random members of the public may incur life threatening injuries…)

Here in Australia, we like BBQ's. We like to get outside, in the sunshine,
fire up the bbq, and cook meat. Get rid of the fucking kangaroo and emu as
our national emblems, and replace them with a 4 burner bbq complete with
steel trolley and gas bottle holder. Fuck, as far as I know were the only
country to actually eat our national emblems, having them printed on coins
and shit is sorta wrong.

 

 
Food is obviously an extremely important part of any BBQ. Theres so many
different factors that must be taken into consideration including who will
bring what. The best way to do it is delegation. Phone everyone who is
coming before hand, and tell them what to bring. Everyone is responsible for
their own meat, that part is simple, but as far as snacks, salads and drinks
go, you can divvy that up between the different parties attending youre get
together. If youre the one running the whole thing you can set guidelines on
what is brought though. For example, warn the salad person that if they turn
up with an exotic dry chickpea, caper and tofu salad, theyll be leaving with
it crammed up their ass. If the snacks person turns up with a single 50g bag
of Cheezels, they will be beaten to death and buried in a shallow grave. And
if the drinks person turns up with Coke Zero...fuck, dont even get me
started on Coke Zero....

 

 

Along with the great food, is the great company. Friends and family abound.
Throw in someones mum and dad, a couple siblings, older preferably, that way
they in turn can bring some of their own, far younger children. A couple of
your own mates, who you think are funny as fuck, but your parents and
everyone else just think are noisy wankers.

Lastly comes the venue. Were pretty lucky here in Perth, theres a metric
fuckload of awesome BBQ spots in and around some great parkland areas, and
along the river foreshore, and most of them are supplied with free BBQs,
thanks to the various councils around the place. The BBQs take around 4 days
to warm up, but free is free. As is expected in these kind of environments
the wildlife is different than say, in an area that isnt frequented by human
beings and the massive amounts of food scraps we leave behind.

Most people will know of seagulls, and the way theyre attracted to food.
Most people will have at one point in their lives been fooled by that one
legged seagull, felt sorry for the poor thing and tossed it a chip, or piece
of bread only to suddenly see that missing leg unfold from under its
feathered body as it scrambles to pick up the tasty morsel you threw its
way. Seagulls are sneaky cunts, be warned.

But Im guessing, that most people dont know of the other feathered terror,
the goose. Im not talking your run of the mill farm goose, Im talking giant
river geese, fuckers stand about 8 feet tall, and travel around in packs of
about 6 or 7. And by travel I mean skulk, ever so slowly towards where your
BBQ is in progress, skulk towards you with a slow and steady determination
that is somewhat offputting, making you fear these otherwise normal birds.

I cant put into words properly the horror I felt the first time I saw this
freakish abomination take place. Around 7 of these abnormally large geese
came plodding up out of the river, which was about 100 metres away from
where our BBQ was taking place. The ambled along, swaying from side to side,
five white geese, and two grey ones. These things were fucking huge. I mean,
Ive seen other geese, but Jesus Humphrey Christ, Ive seen smaller horses.

Im guessing it was the smell of the meat cooking that attracted them. Soon
as those sausages (made from 100% emu groin) started sizzling, they were
there, coming towards us. We saw them, and thought the asphalt car park
would slow them down. No such luck. They slowed down, the smallest of the
seven came forward, like a scout, tested the ground before him/her/it, found
it to be safe and signalled the rest of the posse to follow it. And then
they were upon us. Barking like dogs, extending their freaky, feathered
penis-like necks, flapping their gigantic fucking wings. It was horrible.
But fuck them. They wanted our meat, our delicious meat, but no, they werent
to have it. The pack split into two smaller groups, one trying to distract
us with their gigantic fluffy genitals (dont ask) whilst the second group
made a slow and steady creep for the meat plate. But as amusing as giant
geese cocks are, BBQ'd meat is far more important to us humans, and the
attempt was a failure. A couple of the women present started to throw scraps
of food to the geese, even though they were warned not to. For fuck sake,
these things were big enough it looked like they ate small dogs and
children.

Eventually the scraps ran out, and Bongo chased them off with some paper and
an arm waving routine he perfected back in his arm waving days. The geese
were leaving anyway, arm waving or not. There was nothing left for them
here, the meat was gone, and the only small child was well protected. They
wandered across the road, and disappeared into some bushes in a huge puff of
smoke, what looked to be disco lighting and a strange sort of barking laugh
noise. Much to our delight we didnt see them again that day. We left a
little later on, and whilst no-one else spoke about it, I know it changed us
all, in some way.

Adios,